Introduction (00:10):
In this episode of Consider Before Consuming, we sit down with Timothy Reigle, our recovery coach and speaker who shares his powerful journey of overcoming a 15 year addiction to pornography and rebuilding his life, marriage and purpose. Timothy takes us through his early exposure to porn, the ways it shaped his behavior and relationships, and the pivotal moment that led him to lasting recovery. With that, let’s jump into the conversation. We hope you enjoy this episode of Consider Before Consuming.

Fight The New Drug (00:43):
Timothy, thank you so much for joining us today on Consider Before Consuming. You have such a powerful personal story that I am excited for our listeners to get to hear and learn from you today. So to kind of dive right in, can you just start by generally introducing yourself?

Timothy Reigle (00:59):
Sure. So, I’m, I’m Timothy Reigle, and I’m kind of have gone through this journey myself. I spent many years, over 15 years struggling with my own addiction to porn and escalated into other things. And finally, after all those years, I was able to get into recovery and sobriety from that and overcome it. And now what I do now is I’ve been able to turn around and help other people through that darkness and through that addiction to find freedom.

Fight The New Drug (01:25):
Awesome. Well, we’re so grateful that you’re here with us today. To start kind of walking our listeners through your story, can you tell us what life was like for you growing up?

Timothy Reigle (01:35):
Sure. So I grew up in a good home. I have two very loving parents a good, happy, healthy family. There was never any sort of major trauma or anything, any, anything like that that a lot of the people I work with now have, have gone through a lot of those things. But I, I had a very happy, healthy, loving home. But the, the main thing was as, as far as this is concerned is that, is there were never were conversations about sex or about porn or about anything like that. You know, we never really, it was never really talked about that. So it was kind of the you know, the big three back then was, you know, don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t have sex. Right. And when you’re a hormonal curious teenage boy, you know, what do you think the three things you want to do most are? Right. So I kind of discovered about sex through porn. It was kind of a, a, a discovery thing. I grew up in a, in, in a Christian home and in a church, and it wasn’t talked about. And so I never got the, the good or the bad. And, and so I, I learned from that and, and as soon as I saw this, it was kind like, this is great. What have I been, you know, what’s been hidden from me for all this time? And I was just, just hooked right from the beginning.

Fight The New Drug (02:55):
Yeah. And that’s an experience we hear so many people have, right. That they’re, it’s something that’s kind of restricted and not really talked about. And then also you have the natural curiosity about sex that any teenager has. And so it’s a pretty natural pathway that a lot of people find themselves on. At what point did porn become a regular part of your life?

Timothy Reigle (03:16):
In my teenage high school years I mean, I’m almost 40. So when I was in high school, it was kind of the, the cusp of the internet age, right. The, the generation before me, you know, was your, your, your dad’s playboys in the closet or something like that. Right. You know, I didn’t, I didn’t have that. It was right at the beginning of the, the internet age. So there was just all that access kind of right away. And, and so it was really kind of in my high school years that it really became a, a problem and became regular. And, and it’s just, it’s just kind of how I learned. I discovered it out of curiosity, but I became to rely on it out of a, of a, of a need to escape and a need to cope. And it just kinda became what I went to all the time.

Fight The New Drug (04:03):
Yeah. Was there a point when you realized that you were seeking out like more extreme or different kinds of content than you initially were seeking out as a teenager? And, and what was driving that shift if you did experience that?

Timothy Reigle (04:17):
That was probably a little bit later as I got older when I was in my, my late teens probably what that was, and a lot of it was porn became, like I said, it became my escape. It became how I, how I learned to cope. And I didn’t know this at the time, but that now I’ve, I’ve recognized this, that just dealing with, with normal teenage stuff, right? The changes in our life, teenage relationships going through all of that, it, it became how I dealt with that, how I cope with that. It, there were things that I went through. I didn’t have any major red flag trauma, like I talked about, like a lot of people have, but there’s still stuff you go through, right? you get rejected by a girl at 16, you know, now that I’m almost 40, it’s like, who cares, right?

(05:02):
Who didn’t get dumped in high school, right., you know, but back then it, it was, when you’re a teenager, it’s the world and you don’t, and I never learned how to deal with those emotions and deal with those feelings. And, and it, it porn became how I dealt with that, how I escaped that. And what happened was eventually it wasn’t enough, and it, and it does escalate because porn, what’s so bad about it, and what’s so dangerous about it is it’s, it’s just like other addictions and it’s very different from other addictions. So it’s just like other addictions in that you always need more of it, right? Someone who’s an alcoholic, they gotta drink more, right? And more often someone who’s on drugs, they do more drugs, porn’s the same way. You eventually need more of it, your brain needs more of it, and you become dependent on it to, for that escape and for that coping, you’re trying to find something, right? But the with porn versus those other things is you don’t just need more, you need different.

(06:03):
So guys aren’t watching the same five minute video over and over again, right? We’re not doing the same thing. It’s always gotta be new, something novel. So that’s what happened to me. Is it, is it escalated through that, through that, because where I might have been 13 years old and just Googled boobs, right?, you know, eventually that wasn’t enough. And so like, yeah, it got into more hardcore stuff. It got into more extreme stuff. It got into webcams were a big thing back then. You didn’t have only fans and, and, and stuff like that yet. But it, it did escalate into more extreme things and more hardcore things and into different dynamics of that as well, certainly.

Fight The New Drug (06:44):
Yeah. And looking back as that was kind of escalating, were there signs that your use was becoming more compulsive for you? Or did anyone else in your life notice

Timothy Reigle (06:54):
Nobody else really, really noticed? I don’t think you know, I never, yeah, in my teenage years, I obviously wasn’t married or anything, so there wasn’t any issue there. You know, maybe I got caught once or twice by my parents, you know, which is just kinda normal. But as far as warning signs not to others so much, for me, it was kind of becoming, it was becoming a lot like every day. You know, staying up late at night you know, not sleeping well, you know, kind of dependent on it as far as just getting a, like I said, coping, but also just like going to sleep and just, it becomes routine almost. It becomes, I like to use the word ritual more, even more than routine, right? Because that’s kind of what it is. It’s your nightly ritual, your morning ritual at same time, same place, you know, same type of thing.

(07:44):
And it becomes very ritualistic. And I really saw that as I, as I started to get older and got into my late teens and, and early twenties, it, it just became a, a, a, a part of my life. And, and at that time, I was playing in, I’m, I’m a musician and I play several instruments, and I was playing in punk rock bands and stuff like that. And, and it was just kind of part of the accepted thing. It was, even, even back then, even in 20, 25 years ago, it was, it was just accepted, you know, everybody was doing that. It was the sex, drugs and lot rock and roll lifestyle. And, and I kind of lived that to the fullest, and I didn’t really see anything necessarily wrong with it or didn’t, you know, it’s like, well, I was a little bit shameful of it, you know? I didn’t want my internet history exposed to everybody, but it just kind of became, became a part of my life, and it, it, it never really went away until years later until I dealt with it head on.

Fight The New Drug (08:40):
Yeah. Was there a point when your consumption moved beyond just watching porn?

Timothy Reigle (08:44):
Yeah. It, it was, well, like I said, before I was married. I was in, in kind of that music scene, and there was a lot of casual sex hookups, different stuff like that, texting people, you know, I was traveling a lot and then playing shows, and so that was just kind of part of it. But it was really, when it got to the, the worst part was after I was married. We got married pretty young. I was 21, and, and we had kids young and our, our second daughter at 22. So I kind of thought, okay, get married. It’s time to grow up, you know, you’re not, you know, playing bars at two o’clock in the morning anymore. You’re not, you know? And, and I kind of thought that would be the end of it, and I would, it would just kind of go away as I matured and got older and started a family,

Fight The New Drug (09:28):
Right?

Timothy Reigle (09:29):
And, and which was very naive, in hindsight, right? And, and in fact, it, it, it got worse. And because I now I have all the stresses of being a husband, being a father, leaving a family, having a home, and, and because I never dealt with those things as a teenager and didn’t know how to deal with any of those stresses of life, I poured even more in, into the porn and into the, to sexual things. And so first couple years we were married you know, then it, it, it escalated from there too. And eventually you cross a threshold, and then once you cross that threshold, it’s so much easier to cross it every other time.

Fight The New Drug (10:10):
Sure.

Timothy Reigle (10:10):
You know, so the first time I was unfaithful to my wife, you know, maybe it was just texting with somebody, and then maybe it was just meeting up with somebody, and then it, then it evolved into hooking up with somebody, and then it just kept, it’s like that, that frog and water analogy, right. Where you boil the frog a few degrees at a time. And that’s exactly what happened to me, is every step along the way, it just kept going and, and escalating. And it, there was this thought that if I just do this, it’ll be enough. Right. If I just find have this one exp sexual experience, like, I’ll check that box and, and then I’ll be satisfied and I won’t need it anymore. And it’s the same with porn. Like, I did this, and I know a lot of guys do this, where you’re kind of just looking for that one video, right,

Fight The New Drug (10:56):
Right.

Timothy Reigle (10:56):
It to, to, to finish, to, and, and then it’ll be enough. Right. And it never is. You always come back and you always need more. And that cycle continues. And that’s really what happened to me too, is it just kept, kept driving forward and, and, and deeper and deeper into

Fight The New Drug (11:08):
It. Yeah. Do you think some of that is because when you first established this, as you mentioned, coping mechanism to deal with these stressor stressors, it was at a time in your life when you started to have access to online pornography where you could seek out the novelty, seek out something new. Do you think that was kind of built into the, the coping mechanism for you?

Timothy Reigle (11:29):
Yeah, I think so. It, it, it was, it allowed me to chase a feeling that I was, that I couldn’t get on my own.

Fight The New Drug (11:37):
Yeah.

Timothy Reigle (11:37):
So in, in hindsight, looking back, I didn’t know how to deal with these things. And it was, it was either I was escaping pain or I was searching for some type of comfort or some type of validation. Right. I struggled a lot with a, a fear of rejection feelings of not being good enough. You know, I have, I have great parents and I love my parents dearly, but I almost had too good of parents in a way. Right. They were highly respected in the community. They were well known. And I, and I’ve always, and I, and I still struggle with this honestly this, this not ever living up to the example of my last name to the prestige of that, right. And, and kind of living in that shadow. And I didn’t know how to deal with that. And so I felt insecure. I felt weak. I felt I was afraid of rejection, so I could go to porn and, and there’s no risk of rejection,

Fight The New Drug (12:29):
Right?

Timothy Reigle (12:30):
No one’s gonna hurt me, no one’s gonna say no. Right? Or I could go hook up with some random chick offline, and I felt powerful. I felt masculine, I felt strong. I felt all these things that I couldn’t feel on my own or I didn’t know how to feel on my own. And all these feelings and emotions I didn’t know how to feel. And that’s what I was chasing, right? Yeah. It was never really about porn. It was never really about sex itself. It was how I learned to deal with those and, and what I used to try and fill those voids.

Fight The New Drug (13:00):
What was that like then in your marriage where you’re experiencing these things externally to kind of meet these needs or avoid rejection, feel, feel masculine, feel, all of these things, as you were saying, that we know are common experiences a lot of people have who are in, in the same situations. But then what did that feel like on the other side of it within your marriage, and and how did, how did that impact your relationship?

Timothy Reigle (13:23):
Well, it, it, it did a lot of damage, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. And and it was, you know, through the first 10 years of our, of our marriage, I mean, it was happening all the time. Yeah. And, and I would get caught or something would find something on my phone or computer, whatever, and I would talk my way out of it, bs my way out of it, you know, and, and just get better at not getting caught the next time, right? Yeah. It was almost like a challenge in a way. And you know, it was devastating. I mean, it, it, it, it, the damage it did to my wife and, and to her wellbeing and her mental health and her own self-esteem issues and, and, and things like that. And, but it, it didn’t, it was the addiction impacting my marriage, not my marriage impacting the addiction. Right. And, and what I mean by that is there weren’t problems in my marriage that were causing me to go to the porn. It was, it was the opposite, right? And so it was, I had a very happy, loving marriage from the outside, and, and we had a, a healthy sex life the entire time I was going and doing all these other things. It wasn’t like I was getting something from porn or getting something from these other girls that I couldn’t have gotten the entire time from my wife.

Fight The New Drug (14:44):
Right?

Timothy Reigle (14:45):
And, and so it, it causes all those, all those things. And then it hurts the intimacy in your marriage, not the sexual intimacy, just the emotional connection and things like that. And there’s the betrayal and trust and, and all those types of things. And one thing I say all the time is like, sexist marriages don’t cause porn addiction. Porn addiction causes sexist marriages, right? Mm-hmm . It, it’s, it’s the opposite of the conventional wisdom, right? And, and because you get, I got so much to the point where I just preferred porn.

Fight The New Drug (15:16):
Yeah.

Timothy Reigle (15:17):
Right? Instead of risking a, an argument or something with my wife and fearing that rejection feeling, I was, I could just go to porn and, and, and deal with it myself and not risk any of those things, right? And so it, it caused a lot of damage. I was, I was gone a lot. I, I wasn’t there for my kids when they were little because I was off chasing these things. I worked a lot during that time. I was very, very working 50, 60 hours a week, and then I would stay late at work and go do whatever, right? So it had an impact on my kids as well. And even at one point, my wife and I separated for, for almost a year. She went back and lived with her, her family, and, and, and at that point I kind of thought, alright, well this is kind of a, you know, free ticket now to do whatever I want.

(16:05):
Right? There’s no accountability, there’s no chance of getting caught. And so I really went off the rails then. Yeah. But the whole time I knew it was wrong, and, and I knew I was hurting her, and I didn’t want to mm-hmm . And I was never at the point where I was trying to justify it or say, well, she’s just this terrible person and, and I deserved this. And, and there was none of that at all. And, and, and I always knew it was, was wrong. I knew it was hurting her. I felt that conviction of that, I felt that guilt and certainly that shame of that. But that wasn’t enough to get me to stop because I didn’t know how to stop. And I didn’t know what the real reasons why I was going to this stuff. It was just, you know, try harder, pull yourself above your bootstraps, try harder, just more discipline, more willpower.

(16:52):
And that’s not what, that’s not the reason that I did. I tried hard. I certainly did. I did all the things you’re supposed to do. We went to counseling. I read all the books. I, you know, went to seminars and all these types of things. I did all things you’re supposed to do. And they’d worked for a while, but I always went back to it. And it was because eventually that urge, that emotional need to escape or that need to seek validation or feel powerful, eventually that’s gonna overpower your discipline in your willpower no matter what. And that’s why so many guys relapse. And why I always did, eventually couldn’t beat it because I just tried to white knuckle it. Hold on for dear life. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well, eventually that emotional need for it overpowers that discipline. And that’s what happened with me and why I kept going back to it and continued to do all this damage when I knew I was doing all this damage and, but I couldn’t stop it.

Fight The New Drug (17:42):
Yeah. Were you aware while you were in it that that’s what was happening? so, you know, you have this hindsight of knowing that it wasn’t problems in your marriage that caused this, it was these problems that caused problems in your marriage. Were you aware of that at the time? Were you aware of the fact that you were going back for this need for control? Or was it just something that was like, this is just part of my life, it’s always been part of my life, it’ll always be part of my life.

Timothy Reigle (18:08):
Yeah. Kind of the part of my life thing. I really wasn’t aware of that then, and that’s why I couldn’t get past it. Right. And that was the difference. You know, years later when I did overcome it was recognizing what was happening in those moments. I couldn’t then it, it’s like a, and I’ve heard guys describe it this way. It’s like you’re, you turn a switch on and off, right? When, when you’re in that mode and you are having these urges to, to act out, to look at porn, to do random hookups, to do all this, all this terrible stuff, it’s like this rest of your life just gets blocked out, right? And you, you justify those things, and it almost, you don’t think about the consequences. I don’t think about it. Oh, my wife told me, if this happens one more time, she’s gonna leave me and take the kids.

(18:51):
And, and, and that’s how guys go and do those things when it seems like the stupidest possible thing you could do in the world, and any sort of rational person would never in a million years do those things. And we go, you know, smashing through those roadblocks right into it. Well, well, why do we do that? And, and it, it’s because those things are so powerful. But I didn’t know that at the time. I thought I was just, just had this urge that I couldn’t, couldn’t stop. And I thought I just needed more discipline, more willpower, the right tools, the right tricks or hacks or whatever to do it. And it, and it never worked. And then you go through those sort of things and it happen, and it’s like a, the switch flips back. You know, there’s that post not clarity that’s kind of almost a, a joke. But you hear about that all the time and in circles, and it’s like the switch turns back on and you’re like, holy crap, what the hell did I just do?

Fight The New Drug (19:46):
Yeah.

Timothy Reigle (19:47):
Right. And then all that guilt, all that shame comes in, and then we don’t know how to deal with that. And then eventually it perpetuates the cycle back. So we, we, we have all these, we feel all this guilt, all the shame, all these, these insecurities, all these fears, and we go to porn to escape those. And then going to porn makes us feel those again. So we, and it just creates this vicious cycle that’s so hard to get out of. And, and that’s exactly what happened to me. And it just upscaled from just porn into, into physical stuff.

Fight The New Drug (20:17):
I wanna ask you this, for anyone who’s listening, who’s maybe in a similar position to where you were before we talk about your recovery, I’m just wondering if, for someone who’s sitting in the shame of feeling like they’ve done the worst things ever, or there’s no possible chance they could come back from some of the things that they’ve done if there’s anything you feel comfortable sharing, I think that might be helpful for some of our listeners.

Timothy Reigle (20:39):
Yeah. The the biggest thing I tell guys is, is you’re not alone. You’re not the only one struggling with this. There are people that still love you. There are people that help you. It may feel like you are out of control. Like you’re beyond redemption. Like you’re, you’re, you’re trashed goods and, and, and, and you can’t overcome it. And this still, like, like you said earlier, always just be stuck in this way. And this is just my, this is just my lot in life, and it’s always gonna be this. And I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve freedom. Although all that shame, all that guilt, all those fears and insecurities pile on top of us, and that’s what keeps us stuck in a lot of those things because we almost feel like we don’t deserve freedom. Not only don’t, we don’t know how we don’t deserve it, and we think it’s unattainable.

(21:28):
We think we’re not strong enough. We think we’re not good enough, and we think that nobody cares. And, and, and we just get thrown out to the, into the street. ’cause we’re, we’re just trash and we’re never gonna be amount to anything. And, and we can’t. We are irredeemable. And, you know, people just say, oh, well, he’s just this, just perverted, you know, piece of crap. And, and, and just throw him out. Well, what guys in those moment needs to hear, they know, they need to know that they’re not alone. They need to know that somebody cares about you and somebody wants to help you. And that’s what it took for me was I was beat over the head all those years, told what a terrible person I am. And if you really loved your wife, you would quit this. And if you, you know, if you really wanted to be free, you’d just stop.

(22:11):
Well, it was deeper than that. That’s why it’s an addiction, right? It, it’s not like just stopping, you know, biting my fingernails or something. Right. It, it’s deeper than that. And, and somebody finally came to me and helped me and said, Hey, man, I love you, and we’re gonna get you through this. You know, that’s what I needed. I needed that support. It didn’t excuse what I was doing. Right. You know, and I tell that to somebody who’s in my situation. I’m, anything I’m saying is not telling you what you’re doing is okay, but it’s telling you that, that I love you and I wanna support you, and I want you to get you out of this, and we’re gonna get out of it together. And, and that’s what I, I would, what made the difference for me and what I would tell anybody else who’s, who’s sitting there struggling like I was.

Fight The New Drug (22:50):
That’s very well said. And just to speak to your progress out of this, can you share with us a little bit about that experience? What was that moment like when someone came to you? how did you accept that experience when someone came to you? Were you a willing participant ready to make the change? Or was it, you know, an uphill battle? What was that like for you?

Timothy Reigle (23:13):
Yeah. Well, the, what kind of sparked all of it was the, the last time that I got caught, I got caught by two good friends of mine. And they had known about my struggles all along, right? They had been my accountability partners, they had supported me, encouraged me, and we were, we were best friends. You know, we did stuff together, our families did stuff together. But that last time, they caught me, not my wife. And they kind of just exposed me and just kind of walked away, just kind of abandoned me. And for whatever reason, it was the loss of those two friends that, for whatever reason, got through to me. I, I, I don’t know if I’d call it a rock bottom necessarily, but it was the, the wake up call, which breaks my heart now, because it wasn’t all the pain that I’d caused my wife that woke me up.

(24:03):
It was, it was losing the guys that I’d go out for a beer with after work. Right? It, it seemed stupid, but for whatever reason, I, I, that was a wake up call. It was like, I gotta do something, do something different. And I started working with, with a mentor who came to me and, and, and he said all the things that most people say, you have to stop doing this. You can’t keep, you know, all, all that sort of stuff. But he, he said something different, and it’s kind of what I alluded to just a minute ago was he said, this isn’t okay, but you’re not beyond help. You’re not too far gone. You’re not unforgivable. You’re not irredeemable, you’re not trash. You’re not a terrible person. You’ve done terrible things, but you’re not a terrible person. And, and something he shared with me, and I’ve heard this in many places, is like, you know, guilt says, I made a mistake.

(24:56):
Shame says I am a mistake. And so he helped me deal with that shame and deal with those feelings of, he’s like, yes, you’ve done these terrible things, but, but inside your heart, you know, you want to do good. And, and all throughout this addiction, I never really justified it. I I always knew what was wrong. It wasn’t like I was defensive of it or, or trying to say, I deserve this or anything like that. I always knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop. And so he’s like, you, you, you want to do the right thing. You know what? You need to do the right thing. You just don’t know how to do the right thing. And so he came to me and gave me that love and support. He gave me encouragement. He picked me up out of the mud and brush me off and, and, and help me keep going. He gave me a kick in the ass every once in a while too, when I needed it. And I needed that tough love, right? but he was kind of there with me, right? He wasn’t just above preaching at me or yelling at me or condemning me. And, and he didn’t, again, he didn’t condone anything. He didn’t say it was okay, right?

(26:03):
But He, he helped me to understand that, that what was really going on, and he’s who led me back through that work of doing that, that inner work of dealing with my emotions, my insecurities, and my fears and all these things, and help me realize that’s what was driving me to the addiction. So it might have been something that happened to me as a teenager. Like I got dumped by some girl when I was 17, right? And I, at the time, I didn’t know how to deal with that. And I learned, ran to porn to deal with it. Well, fast forward 20 years, okay? Maybe my boss yells at me at work. It has nothing to do with sex. It has nothing to do with porn. It has nothing to do with the girl that dumped me at 17. But inside, I felt those same fears, those same emotions.

(26:45):
I’m never good enough. I’m not gonna be good enough. I’m irredeemable, I’m a piece of crap. And I did the exact same thing. I ran to porn it to sex, to escape it, and to, and to feel better. And so he helped me understand those things. He’s like, yeah, there’s things that are happening now that were caused by things that happen earlier, and you’re, you’re reacting the same way, even though they’re different things. And so he helped me understand that and helped me deal with those and learn how to deal with those emotions, those fears in a healthy way, and, and, and recognize them so that eventually I got to the point where I could learn to identify what was happening in a moment, right? I’d start having this urge instead of just having a, you know, instantaneous knee jerk emotional reaction to it. And, and that’s biological too.

(27:29):
I mean, our brain rewires itself to just immediately go to it, right? But I learned how to slow that process down and have a rational response instead of an emotional reaction. So I could recognize, okay, I’m feeling this, I’m feeling this urge. Why am I feeling this urge? Well, I’m feeling this. Okay, well, why am I feeling this? Where is this emotion coming from? Am I really, you know, have this uncontrollable horniness? Well, no, I’m, I’m, I have this feeling that I don’t know how to deal with. So I, I’m running away to this to escape it. And so I could recognize that and then learn how to deal with that and process that in, in a healthy way. And then, not only was I overcoming it, I wasn’t, I wasn’t just resisting an urge. I was learning how to deal with it. So I didn’t have that urge to escape at all.

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Fight The New Drug (29:35):
Earlier you mentioned that you’d read at some point in this process, you’d read all the books, you’d tried couple scouting, you did all the things. What do you feel like was different about this time when, when he met with you and, and when you started to really pursue recovery? What was kind of the difference in your mentality?

Timothy Reigle (29:54):
I think there were, were two things. The first of all, on the practical level, it was putting all the pieces together. So a, a lot of the books I’ve read, a lot of the programs I’ve gone to, a lot of the ones I still see they’re all focused on one side of the issue, right? So they’re either the try harder issue, which is you just need more discipline, more willpower, you need the right habits, the right tricks, and they just treat it like a bad habit, right? There’s an element of that that you need, right? You need discipline, you need some willpower, you need to set boundaries, you need to have guardrails in place to protect yourself. But if you don’t deal with the emotional side of it, you, you’ll never overcome it. But then the other side of that is the emotional side of it, and then kind of the clinical counseling side of it, which dives deep into the emotional side of it without any of the habitual structure.

(30:46):
So you dive into the deep end pool of all these emotions and feelings, and you have no foundation to act off of. So you have to start dealing with stuff you’ve been running away from for 20 years. And if you don’t have that foundation and that, that framework in place to protect yourself, you’re gonna go right back to it again. And, and this man came into my life and he said, you know, we’re gonna deal with the emotional stuff, but we’re gonna deal with the habitual stuff too. We’re gonna put all this framework in place, and then we’re going to deal with the, the deeper issues. And, and second is, he was there with me, right? It, it wasn’t just, you know, you go to this counselor once every two weeks and you’re like, we’ll, try this, try this, try this. We’ll see you in two weeks and, and, you know, bring your check for 150 bucks, right?

(31:31):
And he was there with me, and they’re supporting me, encouraging me, you know, on a, on a bad day, he was picking me up and encouraging me. He’s like, you got this. Don’t quit. You can keep going. Encouraging me. There were days where, like I said earlier, I needed a kick the ass, and he gave me that tough love, right? He didn’t try to preach at me or pretend he was better than me or pretend that, that, you know, that I was just this horrible person. He got down there on my level and helped me believe that I could overcome this instead of just telling me that I could overcome this. And so those two, those few things together, kind of putting all the pieces together, the practical, the logistical, habitual side of it, along with the emotional stuff, but then also being there to support me. And what I do now in my coaching is I call it help habits and heart. It’s three Hs is easy to remember. The help is being there with me. It’s important me, and encouraging me. The, the habits are understanding the, the kind of practical side of it. And then the heart is dealing with the core issues of why we go to it in the first place.

Fight The New Drug (32:35):
And, and such good advice. I think for anyone who’s maybe also experienced, you know, I’ve tried everything and, and not being able to understand why it hasn’t worked to be able to hear about an approach that, that did work for you and has worked for so many others as well. What were some of the biggest challenges that you faced in this process of trying to quit once you had kind of made this decision to, to turn over a new leaf, so to speak?

Timothy Reigle (33:00):
The biggest part, there’s, there’s kind of two things. The biggest first part of it is overcoming all that guilt and shame, right? Which, which he helped me work through and helped me, help me deal with. And just because it’s just so overwhelming. And then you start getting some success and you start having some progress, and you realize all these horrible things you’re doing, and, and you just get overwhelmed by that, that feeling of regret and, and shame. And that a lot of times drives a lot of guys back into re into relapses, right? And so having someone there to help you through that was, was the biggest part. The second thing that was, was hard is fixing the damage to my marriage, right? because I confessed to all these things. I opened up about these things that I started getting help and I feel great, right?

(33:53):
I’m like, I got this burden off my back. Like, I’m not lying anymore. I don’t have to hide anything and do all this. So I’m like, I, I’m, I feel great. I feel relieved. Why just wrecked her world, right? And so she needs to get, to get help as well. But, and, and so that was, and we, I learned a lot of the hard way that you have to fix yourself first before you can fix your marriage, right? I think a lot of couples go into counseling immediately once something comes to light and all these things are discovered, I think you have to work on the individual first. Because we had tried all this counseling for years, then I never really got better. It wasn’t until I got help for myself first and fixed me that we were able to, to fix the marriages. And the other thing that I think a lot of people struggle with I is that feeling of anytime you have a relapse, you’re starting all over.

(34:51):
So I’m gonna say a lot is that relapses aren’t a failure of recovery. They’re really a part of your recovery. You know, almost everybody relapses at some point to different extents. And yeah, it’s not what we want, but we can learn from them. You know, failures only failure if you fail to learn. And so relapses are an opportunity to, to learn, to grow, to do better the next time. And, and so many people got caught up in this perfection mindset. You hear a lot about guys on their streak, right? Oh, I got two weeks in and then I did this, or I got a month in and I did this. And, and then they have a relapse, and they think they’re starting all over, go over, they’re starting back from square one. And it’s like, no, you’re not right. If you go go two weeks and mess up and have a relapse, you’re not starting over.

(35:38):
You have 13 wins in one loss, right? That’s a 900 something batting average, right? And, and, and it’s, but that’s, it’s, it’s a different mindset shift that you have to have. And it’s hard for guys to get over that. It’s hard for, for, it was hard for me to get over that. It’s that progress over perfection, right? Right. And, and obviously perfection is what we want. We don’t wanna have any relapses, but if we can take that shame out of it that, hey, we’re still making progress. We’re getting better, we’re moving forward. You know, if you drive a hundred miles down the road and blow a tire in your car, you don’t have to go back all the way where you started and start driving again, right? You fix the tire and you get back on the road. And, and that’s the mindset we have to have is, is that it’s, it’s progress over perfection. As long as you’re moving forward, two steps forward, one step back, and still moving forward. And I think that’s one of the, the hardest mindset shifts that people have to make in order to, to, to keep making progress in their

Fight The New Drug (36:33):
Recovery. Yeah. I love that you said you can learn from those setbacks, right? Can you share a little bit about what you learned about yourself as you worked toward recovery and, and how those approaching those setbacks with curiosity rather than shame helped you to, to learn that about yourself?

Timothy Reigle (36:54):
Yeah. One of the things I started doing, and something that I require the guys I work with now is, is to start journaling. And it’s not a dear diary, you know, 15-year-old girl secret locked diary type of thing. Like you see in the movies, right? A lot of times it’s just tracking your progress, right? Just tracking your, today was a good day. Hey, I messed up today. Today, you know, these are good things that happen. These are bad things that happen. This is how I can improve. And so over time, you start to see different patterns and you start to see and notice those rituals that I talked about earlier. You start noticing those, those patterns and those routines and different things that we get in. It’s like, oh, well, when I was tempted this time, it was when this had happened earlier. I talk a lot about the, the concept of the left of bang.

(37:41):
So there’s a book that’s written by this marine where he talks about left of bang, and it’s, it’s, it’s kind of looking back on this timeline. And in their case, bang is when, you know, people started shooting at each other, but in our case, it’s a, it’s a relapse, right? So a lot of people think, oh, well, I was, you know, sitting in bed scrolling on Instagram, saw all these things, went down this downward spiral and, and looked at porn, and they think that’s the trigger to them watching porn. And, and, and it is, but it’s the last trigger. We have to look before that. Well, why was I, why was I on Instagram doom scrolling? Well, because I was tired, I was stressed out, I was, all these sorts of things were happening, and I just wanted to turn my brain off, okay, well why did, why was all those things happening?

(38:20):
Well, this thing happened at work, whatever. And I was super stressed out about it, and it’s like, well, why were you stressed out about it? Well, because if I didn’t do this, then it says this about me. It’s like, okay, now you’re getting into the real stuff. You’re getting to understand, okay, well, you were afraid of this sort of thing happening. What would it would think? You, there’s those feelings of not being good enough, those feelings of, of fear, of failure, of all these sort of things. That’s the real trigger. And, and the problem is most people don’t, most programs or, or most people just think it’s that discipline of willpower to say no when you’re scrolling through the Instagram pose, right? And it’s really not. It’s, it’s going back to understand here. And once you learn that, then you can recognize when you’re starting down that slippery slope back here. And it’s a heck of a lot easier to course correct back here than it is when you’re sitting in bed with the phone in your hand. And so that’s something that, that I had to learn and, and that I help other people learn, is how to recognize those things. And then you can recognize that those things are happening in real time, and then you can learn how to deal with them in a healthy way versus spiraling down that, that slope into, into a relapse.

Fight The New Drug (39:26):
That’s such an important piece of this, because I do think we often hear from people where so many people are getting stuck at that last trigger and saying, well, I’ve eliminated the last trigger and this still I can’t do, you know, I’m not progressing at all. And I think it is to your point, having to go one step further and one step further, which is why having the safety of community and support and therapy and dealing with the emotional piece all works, right? Because you have the system set up to help you succeed as you process through those things.

Timothy Reigle (39:54):
The biggest issue that a lot of people have is they try to do this alone.

Fight The New Drug (39:57):
Yeah.

Timothy Reigle (39:58):
And, and it’s not something you can do alone. It’s not something you can just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and do, and, and I get it, you don’t want people to find out, you don’t want to go airing out your dirty laundry to, to everybody on the street. And especially men don’t wanna go to counseling or don’t want to get help. They don’t want to admit to it to their wives for obvious reasons. So they think, oh, I’ll just deal with this by myself, and I need more discipline and more willpower, more determination, and all these type of things. And they go through that and, and they don’t have someone that’s helping them and guiding them and showing what they really need. And so it’s not something that you can overcome alone. You need someone there in the trenches alongside of you helping you, encouraging you and supporting you.

Fight The New Drug (40:42):
And for you, one of the people who was, who was there, was your wife, and you mentioned that, you know, you shared everything. You felt better, you weren’t hiding anything anymore. But she had to go through her own healing journey as well. Can you talk a little bit about what rebuilding trust looked like for you with your wife?

Timothy Reigle (40:59):
Sure. So yeah, we had to, to kind of break things down to, to square one. I, I’m not a believer that trust once broken is always broken. I think trust is a choice, not a feeling. You know, there were certainly times when she didn’t feel like trusting me, but she chose to trust me. I went through a lot of things of, of where I was just had to be a, a complete open book. You know, my, my phone had to be open, my my path. I still do have a location stuff on my phone that she could see where I’m at every time. And that helped with the, the logistical aspects of it, but also the fact that she knew that, that I had someone in my corner with me, right? And I don’t believe in your wife being your accountability partner, I think that’s a terrible decision.

(41:50):
She should be aware of what’s going on, right? And, and be kept in the loop. But you need someone to kind of go through that process with you. And I think you need a, for men, they need a man to go through it with them. And a and a woman, they need another woman to go through it with them, because there’s just certain aspects of that that you need someone of the same sex to, to understand and be that for you. But so, so building that trust with her, it was, it was having that help that I had. It was the practical side of it, of, you know, she could see where I was, she could see what I was doing. I wasn’t hiding anything. I didn’t have my phone locked all the time and turned upside down, you know, starting just slowly building those things, I learned to, to validate her feelings.

(42:29):
you know, if she was concerned about something, I learned to understand why she was feeling those sort of things. Right? Again, I feel great because I’m, I’m on the mend, you know, she’s still, she’s just starting it, right? So certain scenarios, you know, we, sometimes we, we’d, we wouldn’t watch a certain TV show ’cause it could be triggering to her, you know, or certain scenarios or you know, certain being around certain people or things like that. And, and one of the things in my addiction was I never really had a full on affair. Like, I was never like I was having an affair with a coworker or anything like that. So all these people that I did have this stuff with it wasn’t anybody we knew or anybody, which that she knew, and there was no chance of running into those people.

(43:15):
But that created a whole thing too. Well, you know, you know, every, every girl she saw on the street was somebody that I had hooked up with, right? And so instead of getting, at first, I would get defensive of that. No, you know, you, you know, and I had to learn to, no, she’s, she’s healing and, and this is, there’s a, a tenderness there that, that I need to build up, not get defensive at. And so for a lot of it was learning those different things that, that I had to learn how to help her heal. At the same time, I was helping myself heal. Yeah. And, and in doing that helped us to rebuild that trust. It helped us to, to rebuild intimacy. One of the things that I, it, it sounds completely counterproductive, but one of the things that did help us was being intimate with each other.

(44:07):
And I get it, you know, there’s gonna be a lot of hurt for a lot of wives or a lot of girlfriends or something like this, and they’re not necessarily gonna feel like that. But in the long run, it helped us to rebuild that connection and rebuild that trust. And, and so being connected in that way helped you to heal and helped us to grow and, and, and get through it and, and rebuild that trust. And now in our marriage, we’ll be married 17 17 years this year. And, and our marriage is stronger than it’s, than it’s ever been. And I think even stronger because of what we went through and because now we had to relearn how to love each other. We had to relearn how to communicate. We had to relearn all those things. And it’s, it’s not the, certainly the path that I recommend married couples take. But I really do believe that, that we came through it for a purpose and, and that our marriage is, is immensely stronger because of what we went through, because of the challenges that we faced.

Fight The New Drug (45:03):
Yeah. That’s amazing. Congratulations on 17 years. And I do wanna just highlight one thing specifically you said, because I think it doesn’t get talked a lot, talked about a lot in these conversations is you said you were feeling great, you’ve been working on this, but she was just getting started. And I think something that’s often forgotten is that for partners of individuals who are experiencing a porn addiction or sex addiction or acting outside of the home, whatever it is sometimes it’s forgotten that you’ve known everything you’ve been doing for all of the time you’ve been doing it, right? So for however many years in, in your case but for her, even if she had some information along the way, she just learned about, you know, years worth of things likely kind of all at once. And so I think that’s something that to your point saying you had to learn not to be defensive, was that so difficult for you of saying like, no, but that was in the past. Like, I, I, you’re focusing on that. What was that like for you? Because I think that’s something a lot of people experience and don’t really know how to navigate through,

Timothy Reigle (46:05):
Right? That was certainly something that, that that definitely happened, and a lot of it, because I had numbed myself to this, right? That’s how I slept at night. Right. You know, and, and I kinda repressed it and numbed it and, and, and, you know, it was in my past and I had closed that door and, and it was closed. And, and for her, you know, it’s all fresh wounds, right? So there’s a lot of anger, there’s a lot of resentment, there’s a lot of those type of things. And, and so I had to kind of break, break down those walls and, and, and be open and, you know, answer questions that she had and be open about it and, and stop lying about it, first of all. And so yeah, there was a lot, there was a lot of raw emotion, a lot of pain there.

(46:49):
And, and we had to learn to deal with those together. I had to learn how to not be defensive about that. She had to learn to be open about that. And she had to be open too to understand what, what I was going through. You know, when I said that guys have to understand it’s not just a discipline thing, it’s not just a willpower thing. She had to go through that understanding too. And I think a, a a lot of spouses don’t understand that. And because they’re obviously hurt, obviously heartbroken, devastated. And I, and I totally understand, I’m not minimizing that in any other, any way. But if healing’s gonna take place, we both have to understand why this happened. It doesn’t excuse what happened, but we both have to understand why it happened. And so she had to do some of the same work that I did, and understanding that I wasn’t this, just this horny perver who couldn’t control himself, but there was the reason why I was doing this.

(47:42):
And I think so many people just rush to run away from a relationship, or especially a marriage in those situations, instead of, you know, doing those work and understanding what it could happen. You know, there are marriages that can’t survive this. I understand that. And, and, and those, those situations are each situation is unique. And I understand that there’s, there’s sometimes this damage is irreparable, but on the other hand, I think a lot of times people just immediately just bolt when, when marriages can be saved. There were plenty of times that my marriage, we could have and should have ended, you know? she was told multiple times that she needs to leave me. She did for we did separate for a year. And, and, and I know I, my story is unique in that most marriages won’t survive what we went through, but, but marriages can overcome this and, and they can become stronger afterwards.

(48:36):
And I just wanna give people that hope and that encouragement that just because this has happened in your marriage doesn’t mean that your marriage is over. It means your marriage is different. It’s definitely harder. But your marriage, you can overcome it. You can grow, you can get better, and, and your marriage can thrive because of it. I, like I said, I honestly believe my marriage is better, better now than it would’ve been if we hadn’t have gone through this. And, and, you know, we, on our 10th anniversary, this all happened about eight or so years into our, into our marriage. And on our 10th wedding anniversary, we renewed our wedding vows and just kind of a recommitment to each other and, and to a new life. And, and so you know, we were able to overcome that. And like I said, our marriage is, is better than it ever was in, in thriving now.

Fight The New Drug (49:25):
Yeah. That’s beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with us. How has your life changed even more broadly beyond just your, your marriage? How has your life changed since overcoming addiction? And what does freedom look like for you now?

Timothy Reigle (49:38):
Yeah, I mean, it was, it, it was a battle and it was a challenge. You know, it wasn’t an overnight thing, you know, there wasn’t just a a, a light bulb went off, and I never looked at it again. Right. I relapsed multiple times over the years. But I kept fighting and I never gave up. And, and eventually those things, I, I learned how to deal with them. I learned how to cope. I learned how to deal with these things in a healthy way. I didn’t have those urges. I put those things into place, those habits, those guardrails that I needed to protect myself. I still have those in place. Now the, the temptation isn’t as strong as it once was in the first few months of it. Because your brain does rewire itself and you know, you, you’re, you, it takes time.

(50:22):
You know, this isn’t a quick fix. You know, this isn’t a quit porn in, in 30 days type of thing. It’s just, it, it isn’t, it, it, on a biological level, it isn’t. Right. It takes time to, to rewire your brain and overcome those sort of things. But for me, as far as my life after it, it, it was, I kind of thought, okay, we overcame this. I fixed myself and fixed my marriage. All right, let’s close that chapter and move on. Right? I certainly didn’t plan. And, you know, six or later I’d be sitting here on a podcast with you guys. That was certainly never, never my my career path that I had had chosen. But as I went through it, I just kept feeling this tug on my heart to help other people, right? And I was in a position at the time to mentor some younger guys, some guys in their late teens, early twenties.

(51:12):
And I realized how much worse it is for them even than it was for me. Some of the technology now and the smartphones, you know, when I started this, we didn’t have smartphones and how hard it is for them. And I started mentoring them. And then, you know, one thing leads to another and, and I started writing and I started coaching guys. And, and here I am, you know, five, six years later. You know, and I really feel this, this fire in my heart to help other guys through the darkness that I came through. I mean, I’m not, I’m not a doctor. I’m not a certified therapist. I’m not a pastor. I’m not a, a, a, a therapist, a counselor, or a doctor or a clinician. I’m none of those things. I don’t have any letters about my behind my last name. You know, my, I’m just a guy who went through that darkness and came out on the other side, and now the mission’s on my heart to turn around and help other guys through that same darkness. And, and so that’s what my life looks like now, instead of hiding this and running away from it and, and, and being in shame of it, I’ve embraced my past and, and learned that, hey, I was brought through this for a reason. And so I have to take what I learned and what I’ve overcome and help other people through it.

Fight The New Drug (52:25):
And we’re really grateful that you’re doing that and, and that you’ve chosen to do it on this podcast today. So thank you for joining me. Before we wrap up, is there any final word you would like to leave for someone who’s maybe feeling stuck in an endless cycle of quitting and relapsing? Do you have any advice to give to them?

Timothy Reigle (52:44):
First thing is you’re not alone. You’re not alone. And you can’t do this alone, not alone. And you can’t do this alone. Get some help, reach out to someone, have an accountability partner. You guys have a bunch of great resources or people who do what I do that have a bunch of great resources and are willing to be there to love you, support you, and encourage you, and help you overcome that because it’s not something that you can do on your own. Quit suffering and silence and thinking that that, that this next time will be the last time. You know, or you’re stuck in that cycle. You need help to break outta that. So reach out to someone, whoever it might be, get help and you can find freedom too.

Fight The New Drug (53:20):
And for anyone who’s wanting to learn more about you and the work that you’re doing, where can they you?

Timothy Reigle (53:26):
Sure. So you can find me on social media. It’s just my name, Timothy Reigle, my website’s timothy regal.com too, where you can find out more about my coaching and my ministry as well as the, the books that I’ve written and the, the ministry that I have and, and helping men overcome addiction and turning their lives around.

Fight The New Drug (53:42):
Thank you for making some time today for our listeners. I know this is an invaluable episode and I’m excited to be able to share it with them. Thank you.

Outro (54:00):
Thanks for joining us in this episode of Consider Before Consuming, consider Before Consuming is brought to you by Fight The New Drug. Fight The New Drugs, a non-religious and non legislative organization that exists to provide individuals the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding pornography by raising awareness on its harmful effects, using only science, facts and personal accounts. Check out the episode notes for resources mentioned in this episode. If you find this podcast helpful, consider subscribing and leaving a review. Consider before Consuming Is made possible by listeners like you. If you’d like to support, consider before Consuming, you can make a one-time or recurring donation of any amount at ftnd.org/support. That’s F-T-N-D.O-R-G/support. Thanks again for listening. We invite you to increase your self-awareness. Look both ways. Check your blind spots, and consider before consuming.