Introduction (00:05):
Today’s episode is with Katie Bulmer. Katie’s podcast and speaking platform, Truth For Your Twenties were started in order to guide young women and be the person she needed when she was younger. Katie provides valuable insight and how to approach dating in today’s world, including how to set realistic expectations and have constructive discussions about pornography. She explains the various forms [00:00:30] of intimacy that can be present in relationships, whether romantic or not, and emphasizes that pornography is not a suitable replacement for genuine intimacy. With that, let’s jump into the conversation. We hope you enjoy this episode of Consider Before Consuming.

Fight The New Drug (00:53):
Well, Katie, thank you so much for giving us some of your time today. We’re so excited to talk with you on the Consider Before Consuming podcast. [00:01:00] To get started, can you share with our audience who you are and the work that you do?

Katie (01:07):
Sure. Thank you for having me. I am such a fan of Fight The New Drug. You guys are just doing great things in the world, so I’m thrilled to be here. My name is Katie. I wear a lot of hats as I guess many of us do, but I’m the host of The Truth for Twenties podcast. I always say everything I do on the internet is to be who I needed when I was younger. I am a speaker to sorority, so oftentimes colleges [00:01:30] and sororities specifically will book me to come be a speaker. So that’s fun. I get to talk about sisterhood, making difference in the world, dating with dignity, dating with respect, all of that kind of stuff. I say changing the dating world, which is like woo. Yeah. And then of course social media, doing the tiktoks in the reels to make it interesting, funny, relatable, and hopefully dropping some truth bombs along the way. So that’s a little bit about me, and we have two girls. My husband and I’ve been married for 19 years. We have two [00:02:00] daughters and we live in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Fight The New Drug (02:02):
Amazing. As you mentioned, you mostly speak to young women sororities. How did you land on that particular audience?

Katie (02:10):
Yeah, I mean it’s such a winding road, but I guess mean my story is just kind of, I felt like I was very much a wallflower, I guess you could say. Growing up, my parents were divorced. I wasn’t really involved in church or in sports. I just didn’t really find my people actually, until I came to college and I [00:02:30] didn’t go through sorority recruitment. That was not on my radar, but I got a snap in. There’s people who even know what that is, but essentially a sorority came and knocked on my door with the balloons and the clapping and Do you want to be a part? And I told them no,

(02:47):
But I think that obviously this was supposed to be part of my story. Who would later become my big sister come and convince me that I need to do this? And I understand sororities have a bad rap. They think [00:03:00] it’s big girls with whatever they, big hair, girls is what I’m trying to say, big hair girls with funny T-shirts and theme parties. And yes, but for me, it was the first opportunity belonging to something bigger than myself. It was a sisterhood. It was a place to belong. It was letters on my chest that meant something. It was a family, and I guess you could say that was the birthplace. And so now I’ve talked to other women about how this collective group of women can do great things in the world. Along this journey also was [00:03:30] dating my fair share of bad decisions and learned some things through the school of hard knocks. Thankfully married a great man and realized the difference and want to speak to younger women like, Hey, this is how to date differently. This is how to teach others how to treat you and all that kind of good stuff. So that’s the short version of the story.

Fight The New Drug (03:53):
Amazing. And what really inspired you to start sharing those experiences with a broader audience?

Katie (04:00):
[00:04:00] I think I didn’t really set out to be a speaker. I was very shy in school. People say I talk really fast and I’m from the south, so I don’t really feel like I have a voice for all this kind of stuff, but we just kind of get where we’re supposed to be in life. I feel like I started as an advisor for my sorority and just reluctantly not really knowing what I’m doing. I was also a yoga instructor at this point and taught a yoga class. [00:04:30] I had a girl come up to me and say, Hey, can you come do a yoga class for our sorority? And I was like, I mean, sure. And I did it. And then the president of the sorority happened to come and she liked me and she started coming to my class at the gym. And all along I kind had this passion.

(04:45):
So my background is in marketing. I’m kind of so many different genesis moments of how I got to do what I’m doing. I’m kind of skipping around here, but my background’s in marketing. So this whole time after graduation, I was a marketing major. My first job was in tv. I worked in TV commercials, [00:05:00] radio, promotional products, advertising, social media, advertising. That’s my jam, that’s my world. And really truly, and I could talk about this for days, but 18 to 24-year-old women have trendsetting power. I mean, it’s just the facts. You can look at what is Taylor Swift? Hello. That’s a great example. She’s as big as she is for a lot of reasons, but 18 to 24-year-old women can change the world. What’s trending, what people download, what they wear. This is a huge consumer [00:05:30] demographic. I empower young women to first of all know this and use this power for good.

(05:37):
I think your question was how did I start doing this? I just started talking to girls about it. When I talk about sharing that yoga class, the president came to me, we got to be friends. And I told her that kind of shyly as a marketing background, I see the power in young women, very shyly passively sharing my passion. And she was like, yeah, well, why don’t you come talk to our sorority about this next week. You got 15 [00:06:00] minutes at the end of our chapter meeting to talk to 225 girls. I think I almost wet myself. That was my very first speaking opportunity. I couldn’t tell you what I said, but I had girls come up to me later and say, you should be a motivational speaker. Oh my gosh, this is so powerful. And I’m like, all right, then maybe I should take this seriously. So that was another, I guess you could say beginning moment of doing what I’m doing and all of that boiled together Now. That was later. I had the podcast, the speaking. All of the things kind [00:06:30] of come together because of all of that background stir in a pot and baked in the oven. And here we are today.

Fight The New Drug (06:36):
So amazing. So obviously on the Consider Before Consuming podcast with Fight The New Drug, we are going to talk a bit about pornography today. But before we talk about pornography and dating and relationships, I just want to talk with you about some kind of general dating questions about dating. So obviously dating can be challenging for any young individuals. Do you have any advice on maintaining healthy [00:07:00] self-esteem while navigating the ups and downs of dating?

Katie (07:04):
Yeah, I mean, your self-worth is everything, right? Because if we have a poor self-worth and we’re like, oh, well, with that girl as example we talked about, this is the best I can get. Well, I guess it’s okay that he treats me like that, that I’m second place. And by the way, this guy had other girls that he would date and then call her is terrible. So that is based, that root problem is in your self-worth. So I mean, how [00:07:30] to keep that up. I think that having a relationship with a higher power is important. I think having people in your life that speak truth to you, that hold you to a higher standard. I talk about this a lot when I go to sororities that founding Sisters of Sororities, but really any group or just think about if you think about your own friendships, if you were to write down what you want this to look like, it’s not a group of people who encourage you to make bad decisions.

(07:57):
Oh, it’s okay, honey, eat that third donut. Oh, [00:08:00] it’s okay, honey. Watch Netflix instead of studying for, I get that. That sounds cute, but really you want friends to hold you to a higher standard. That’s the good and the bad and the beauty of good friendship. And coming back to self-Worth, I mean, I hope that I have people in my life that give me a friendly, what the heck are you thinking if I’m doing something stupid, right? Because sometimes what do they say you can’t see if you’re in the mayonnaise jar, that kind of thing. Something like you can’t see your own life. Sometimes [00:08:30] you need someone outside looking in, especially when it comes to dating because, and I have a lot of stats on science and how we bond with people, especially if there’s sexual chemistry or there’s something, if there’s been a sexual bond and sometimes we are bonded to people more and it’s harder to see that this is maybe a toxic relationship.

(08:49):
Emotions cloud your judgment as well, infatuation. And so if you have all of this cloud in your judgment is why the whole friend group can see what in the heck is this two couple thinking? They are terrible [00:09:00] for each other. They’re toxic. Everyone’s talking about how bad they are, but the couple themselves can’t see it because of all of those clouded things that cloud your judgment. So you have friends that be like, listen, sister, listen brother, no, this is not good for you. I love you too much to let you stay here. I love you too much. You’re not the same person. You’re not the person I love. You’re not the person that I see in you because you’re co clouded by judgment, whatever the reason, but I see better in you [00:09:30] and I want to hold you to a higher standard. So

Fight The New Drug (09:32):
What are some red flags or warning signs that young people should be aware of when engaging in online dating?

Katie (09:40):
Online dating? This is the, I’m not against online dating. I think it’s a tool, right? It’s just like anything else. A brick can be used to crush a window or build a house. It’s in the hands of the user that makes all the difference. The one thing I always say is clearly communicate what is important to you. Clarity is kindness is a fun little thing [00:10:00] that you can replay in your mind over and over again. So some red flags, I mean, I think before you get into dating, before you get into lost into cuteness and blue eyes and cologne or whatever it may be, write down what matters to you. Write down your values because then it is just easier than getting clouded by emotions. Like we said earlier, emotions infatuation, physical intimacy definitely clouds your judgment. So if you could just write down what matters.

(10:28):
And then if you get a little [00:10:30] bit clouded, oh, you know what I said that this matters to me and this is not happening in this relationship, that is a red flag. And then ask people close to you we just talked about as well, and listen to what they have to say. Sometimes you have to say, what do you see on the other side of this relationship that is powerful? Sometimes hard as someone that that loves you and wants your best interest at heart. And again, listen, which is sometimes the hardest part. So writing it down with a clear mind and then listening to other people’s [00:11:00] feedback on the other side, looking in, I think are two very powerful things. Ways to avoid your red flags

Fight The New Drug (11:06):
In your content. You talk about how setting realistic expectations is important. What advice do you have for young people in terms of establishing healthy expectations when entering a new relationship? So healthy expectations around those things they’ve written down as they’re what they’re interested in a relationship.

Katie (11:24):
So when I go to sororities, I have to do this. I get a dry erase board. I’m like, give me characteristics that matter to you in a [00:11:30] dating relationship. And it’s funny, I’ve been able to go to 70 colleges at this point all over the nation. Doesn’t matter where they are, they almost always say the same things, and it’s like responsible, kind, hardworking, funny, whatever. And that’s great, but this person responsible may matter more to her than another girl who says a good sense of humor or whatever it may be. And I think, again, just having that list that the non-negotiables, if you will, I think [00:12:00] that having a shared faith is important. I think that being on the same page financially is important. These are what I think, but does this matter to you? Does this matter to the person on the other end of your earbuds?

(12:09):
And if it does, stop settling, stop saying, yes, I want a shared faith, and then just pretend that that doesn’t matter just because he has blue eyes, right? Stop saying, I want finances to be in order and then start dating someone $50,000 in debt. And again, [00:12:30] I will say it matters more of where they’re going than where they are. I talked to a girl who was dating a guy. He lived at home, he was in between jobs. Some things that maybe don’t seem good on paper, but he was finishing his career. He was very driven. Now he has his master’s degree and has a very successful job. And so he was on a good path currently not in a good place. So worry more about where they’re going than where they are. So we have these [00:13:00] red flags of, oh, they live with their mom, so maybe they’re saving money. Maybe that’s a financially good decision. We don’t have to just stigma around certain things around life. It just depends on where they’re going, not necessarily where they are.

Fight The New Drug (13:12):
So in the beginning of a relationship, there are those certain non-negotiables, right? The things that are the most important to you. How can young people navigate those conversations particularly and specifically around pornography in a relationship?

Katie (13:27):
Goodness. Yeah. I think that as of [00:13:30] course you guys know that watching porn is certainly damaging to a relationship. I think that it needs to be a conversation, probably not a first date, but sooner than later. How do you feel about it? Do you have experience? Is this something that do have a problem? Of course, you’re probably going to not emit a problem on the day one, but having a conversation about pornography in the world that we live in is something that needs to happen. And I realize that this is not comfortable. I realize this is not [00:14:00] like what’s your favorite ice cream? But I mean, my word, what’s better to avoid it? And then to be married for 15 years in a toxic marriage where someone is choosing fake images on the internet besides your family, that’s so painful. And to not have that conversation earlier is certainly because it’s awkward.

(14:21):
What a bad trade. So sooner than later, I think that it needs to have a conversation. And so since you mentioned non-negotiables, as [00:14:30] I’m sure your podcast talks about, I would definitely say it’s a non-negotiable. Now, again, not necessarily where they are, but where they’re going. Maybe someone who has had a tendency to look or someone who thinks it’s not a problem or has thought in the past, I should say that it’s not a problem, but realizes that getting the resources from fight the new drug on a path to recovery, having accountability, wonderful. Probably even more amazing than someone who says they never had a problem because they have recognized it. They have dove in those waters, but they’re like, no more. I want better. I want clean eyes. [00:15:00] That is beautiful. I think that, again, so not necessarily where they’re going, I mean where they are, but where they’re going and just having that conversation.

(15:10):
Sometimes I just write it down. I say, this is my weekly thing. Every Wednesday is my day of doing hard things. It sounds silly, but the day you got to look up the insurance stuff that you don’t want to. The day you got to run the errands, there’s just a day of the week to get the crap done that you don’t want to get done. Maybe you’re dating this person, it seems good, everything, but you need to have [00:15:30] that conversation. Just write it down. Today’s the day we’re going to talk about it. And you can say, I know this is weird. I don’t want to talk about it. You don’t want to talk about it, but here’s the deal. This is important to me. I want this to be important to you too. Porn. Let’s talk about it.

Fight The New Drug (15:43):
If someone were in a situation where they bring up porn as an non-negotiable, they say, this is not something I’m interested in in my relationship. And the person they’re dating says, oh, I don’t have a problem with porn. That doesn’t matter to me. What would your advice be to that?

Katie (15:58):
I would say, that’s [00:16:00] interesting. I feel differently. And maybe point to what you’re learning. Say I listen to this podcast, I watched this video, and start having a conversation about it. Depending on how invested you are in this relationship, depending on how, maybe they just don’t know. Maybe they just need to be educated on how damaging it is because it is, and we know this, now you have the science and the stats and so much psychology behind why it certainly is. And so maybe it’s just an education issue. If it continues to be like, whatever, I don’t believe that I’m the exception, I’m fine. [00:16:30] Then that needs to be reevaluating. If you want to say in this relationship, because again, you have this, there’s not a good thing in the world that’s going to come from a long-term relationship. And maybe the person’s going to say, oh, well, I’ll quit when I get married or I’ll quit. No, you won’t. When you get married and you walk down the aisle, someone wears a tux, someone wears a dress, you get your friends and your family, you spend a lot of money and you throw a party. It’s lovely, but you don’t magically change habits. [00:17:00] So that requires work.

Fight The New Drug (17:02):
So with regard to, we had just talked about hookup culture. How have you seen Pornography’s influence just the content that today’s mainstream pornography is influence dating culture today?

Katie (17:21):
It’s so everywhere and it’s so sad. I think that one thing I say when I go to colleges [00:17:30] is no one wants to hear from their future boyfriend. I just talk to women. So we’re going to say boyfriend here, but no one wants to hear from their future boyfriend, Hey babe, I’m a sex expert. Congratulations. Are there trophies for that? Okay, what you want to hear is I want to be an expert on you, right? Because this intimacy, this look at every romantic movie, every romantic song like I will climb the highest mountain for you and you alone. This is the idea that [00:18:00] we crave. And so pornography is just experience, if you will. It’s comparison. Well, you’re a little taller, a little shorter, a little wilder, a little quiet. Like what? I want to be, just your definition of beauty. I want to be your definition of the best girl, the best guy.

(18:20):
And pornography doesn’t help that. It just doesn’t. You can’t convince me that’s helpful. It is just more and more comparison and more and more ways to fail, [00:18:30] more and more ways to not measure up. And who wants that? How I’ve seen it impact dating is in those ways. There’s so much more choices already in our culture. We look back at the way our grandparents dated and they had a crush on someone they went to high school with, and they probably lived 50 years together, married, and of course there were problems back then as well. But I think it’s so ironic now we have thousands of options to swipe through and swipe [00:19:00] and keep swiping and just more comparison. And someone else who, anytime something gets a little not right, you just keep swiping and keep swiping and no one’s ever enough and no amount of options is enough, and we just keep searching for this better and better and better. It’s so unfair and untrue and unrealistic, and no one wants to be compared yet. That’s what we do on the other side of it. So what advice would you give your future son [00:19:30] or daughter about dating? Would it be to go look at pornography to figure out how to date? Well, no. Right. So if you wouldn’t tell your future son or daughter that, then why in the world would you do that? So that’ll kind of put things in perspective

Fight The New Drug (19:42):
I wanted to ask you about, we often hear from people, both men and women who are single and say, well, I’m not in a relationship, so pornography is the only option for me right now. And how would you respond to someone who is in that position?

Katie (20:00):
[00:20:00] No, it’s not. Why would you say that? See, listen. First of all, being single is a beautiful stage. Don’t wish it away. You are learning, you are growing. You are becoming who you meant to be. In this stage, it is not the only option. It feels like it’s going to help, but it just is a cheap substitute for what you really want and what you really crave, and it’s just not going to help you at all. I understand this might be hard. I understand [00:20:30] that we all have needs and desires and stuff like that. Go for a run, pick up a new hobby. There are so many ways to better yourself, better your brain.

Fight The New Drug (20:41):
What are some ways people can achieve those other forms of intimacy besides physical intimacy, especially in a season maybe where they’re single?

Katie (20:51):
Yeah, okay. I can remember all of these, but mental, emotional, spiritual, and social mental is when you kind of geek out over something. Like if, I don’t know, say you’re really into [00:21:00] marine biology, I don’t know. And so you find someone else, oh, that’s really cool. I’m a big into Taylor Swift stuff. And so someone says, oh, that’s Easter eggs. And I’m like, oh yeah, me too. And it’s song lyrics and whatever. So that’s kind of your mental intimacy, and you have that bond there, emotional. These are of course your feelings. You have things that you love, things that light you on fire. Maybe you’re really passionate about something else. Spiritual is your shared faith, and that’s important. Social going out. [00:21:30] Some people like to go to different bars or go to, I don’t know. There’s so many different ways to do social intimacy, and it doesn’t mean you have to be a social butterfly.

(21:39):
It just means that’s how you connect. That’s how you bond. When I miss one, mental, emotional, spiritual, social, and physical, of course, we say just the, and that could be handholding, that could be a touch of the arm. It doesn’t have to be in the sheets or anything. But yeah, there’s so many different forms. And Google that because I know I just gave it a brief synopsis, [00:22:00] but there’s definitely different ways to get intimacy. But I mean, think about even if you just go to the park and you’re surrounded in nature and maybe you have a social bond there, an emotional bond because the weather’s nice and the breeze in your face, and there’s just so many different ways to explore life and share a bond with someone versus having sex. I’ll just say it.

Fight The New Drug (22:28):
Yeah. And also noting that pornography [00:22:30] is kind of a synthetic substitute for intimacy, right? You’re with a screen essentially, and you’re being bonded to a screen. And that’s not true intimacy in the sense that we’re talking about it in a healthy relationship,

Katie (22:42):
Right. Yeah. It’s not even physical intimacy. It’s not even what you’re hoping for. It’s just a cheap substitute. What a shame. That’s so sad to not get the real thing.

Fight The New Drug (22:52):
We often hear from young people who are in a dating situation and they’ll be on a first [00:23:00] date. And a story I’ll never forget is one where a young boy and a young girl were on their first date. He went to kiss her and he choked her. And he truly didn’t know he had done something wrong because he said, well, I thought that’s what she wanted, because that is what he had learned from pornography. So we see often situations like this where what individuals are being taught from mainstream pornography is not a realistic portrayal of healthy intimacy in a relationship. And that’s something [00:23:30] to keep in mind as well. When someone’s endlessly swiping through options, not just of different types of people, but different scenarios that are not realistic. It changes the way that we think about our partners. And I think that’s really important for young people who are dating to recognize,

Katie (23:45):
Yeah, for sure. Oh my word. And they didn’t even genuinely realize how bad that was because the picture they’ve been given of love really is so twisted and unhealthy, and that’s very sad.

Fight The New Drug (23:57):
How would you, for someone who’s looking [00:24:00] earlier, you said don’t settle. And also now we’re talking about we live in a society where between pornography or dating apps, you can swipe through endless options. How would you advise someone to make sure they’re not settling, but also not always looking for the grass is greener? Next thing, there’s got to be another bigger, better option. You mentioned it’s more important to focus on where someone’s going, not where they’ve been. So specifically with regard to a habit with pornography, if someone is pursuing change, [00:24:30] if they have a compulsive pornography habit, that’s a good thing. What advice would you have to make sure someone won’t fall for the potential of someone or the idea that they might change without actually seeing the change? How would you advise someone to kind of navigate that?

Katie (24:47):
Oh, so there are no guarantees in life. I wish that there were, I don’t know that I have a guarantee for this answer. This is a little bit of, relationships are always a little [00:25:00] bit of a risk. We are all flawed humans who are, I always say we’re all one decision away from stupid. And so while someone who may have had a porn addiction who’s seeking help and getting well, that’s great. How can you guarantee it? Of course you can’t. But maybe just looking at other areas of their life, are they disciplined with working out? Is it something that matters to them and they show up and continually [00:25:30] want to better themselves in that way? Maybe they have a habit of, I don’t want to watch TV on the weekends. It doesn’t matter. Do they have a morning routine? Are they passionate about eating healthy?

(25:43):
There’s not a right or wrong answer here, but looking at their life as a whole, my husband ran a few half marathons and I learned so much just being a bystander for someone who that is no joke work right there, right in the heat, in the cold, [00:26:00] in the rain. He would get up every Saturday, and those were his long run days and sometimes we’re like 10 miles. I’m like, no, thank you. And he would say too, it wasn’t fun. It wasn’t something that he, oh, hot diggity dog. I get to run 10 miles today. But something that he continued to show up to do. So get him to run marathons. I’m just kidding. That’s not a guarantee, of course, but that is a character trait that I admired in him as a bystander. Looking at that, [00:26:30] just tenacity and determination to continue to do something, even when it was hard, it was very inspiring for me to watch. And I’m sure that those characteristics, I think bleed into so many areas of life. So perhaps I answered your question again. There’s no guarantees, but it’s certainly helpful.

Fight The New Drug (26:48):
So maybe with regard to pornography or another habit that someone may be looking to improve, looking at their actions as opposed to just their words and seeing if they’re actually [00:27:00] working toward that improvement, it sounds like. And for someone who maybe is a partner of someone who is struggling with pornography, who chooses to support them as they overcome that struggle, would you have advice for that partner to make sure they’re taking care of themselves through that process, whether it’s pornography or something else?

Katie (27:18):
I like that you said taking care of themselves because obviously you want to support them, and that’s part of the conversation as well, but supporting themselves. I think that as the person [00:27:30] getting free or working through the addiction needs, accountability needs these people. We are creatures who need other humans around us. We thrive in community. There’s so much research about that. And so making sure you have someone as well. It doesn’t need to be 20 people, but at least one other person that you can share what you’re going through because it’s sticky. And I know that that’s a hard season, and you might feel embarrassed, but we had a friend who, it was a couple who went through this [00:28:00] struggle and the husband was struggling with pornography, and they were very private about it. They didn’t say anything. It was very shameful. Unfortunately, they did not stand the test of time in.

(28:10):
They’re divorced. And we have another couple very similar circumstances and were much more open about it, shared about it, got accountability, brought it into the light, and they are still here and sharing their story and sharing it with other people. And now of course, there’s a million other circumstances, but I think that when we bring our [00:28:30] mess into the light, when we can share it with others, when mess is in a basement, it grows horns and gets uglier and yuckier. But when you’re able to just shine light on it again, it’s not fun. And I get that that’s painful, but it is less powerful in the dark when it’s in the light and it can be shared with others. And you also have people to share that burden with you.

Fight The New Drug (28:52):
Yeah, that’s great advice. They say addiction thrives in secrecy, right? Or compulsive behaviors thrive in secrecy. And so being able to break that stigma, [00:29:00] that’s part of why we’re here having this conversation to remove the taboo around this topic, to know that it’s something that a lot of people struggle with and also a lot of people overcome, right? There’s a lot of hope to be had and overcoming a struggle with pornography or being able to overcome that in a relationship as well.

Katie (29:16):
Yeah, for sure.

Fight The New Drug (29:17):
How would you, for someone who’s looking earlier, you said don’t settle, and also now we’re talking about we live in a society where between pornography or dating apps, you can swipe through endless options. How [00:29:30] would you advise someone to make sure they’re not settling, but also not always looking for the grass is greener? Next thing, there’s got to be another bigger, better option.

Katie (29:40):
Yeah, I did a podcast on this. It’s the dichotomy of don’t settle, decide what matters to you and don’t settle, but also be realistic on the side. I talked to a girl who she called me. She was so frazzled. She thought she found this wonderful guy, and he knows that her favorite [00:30:00] flower is tulips, but he bought her daisies, and I’m like, he bought you flowers, so you need to just chill out. So there is this dichotomy of never settle and also get your head out of the clouds. I always say need to be who you’re looking for is looking for. If you think physical fitness is important, but your favorite activities are eating Cheetos and never [00:30:30] leaving the couch, that could be a problem. If your favorite, I don’t know, thing to do on a Sunday is go to church and the person you’re dating wants nothing to do with that.

(30:41):
That could be a problem. If you want to move to Barbados and explore the world and your favorite and the person you wants to live on his grandma’s property, these are just things that you need to talk about. These are important conversations. But getting back to, I guess I would say your non-negotiables, [00:31:00] what matters to you, pornography, it should matter to you. You decide. We talked about that earlier, but you get to decide and then don’t settle on those. But I wouldn’t make a super long list. I’m not saying Oh, yes, to be six three. I’m sorry. I keep saying I talk to young women all the time. Whoever I’m dating must be this certain height, must have this certain color eyes that’s small fries. I don’t think that that’s a big deal. I would hold those. I would make some non-negotiables, but then the rest just be open and just be.

(31:30):
[00:31:30] Sometimes people say, girls will tell me, oh, there’s no good guys out there. I’m like, I’m pretty sure you were just telling me about a really awesome guy, but he wasn’t six three. So hello there. And also I hear, well, there’s no good guys or girls out there. Well, have you gone out there? Are you expecting them just to knock on your door? You have to go to networking events. You have to meet people. You have to say, hi, I haven’t met you. My name is Katie. I understand this might be awkward, but that’s [00:32:00] what you have to do to meet other humans. Our culture teaches you go to school, you maybe go to college, you’re surrounded by peers with probably shared interest, people who live in your geographic location, and then you get out of that. You might work from home and not do anything and not meet anyone.

(32:19):
And then it’s on you to look at the calendar in your town, go to the events, sign up to the chamber events, go to the park, introduce yourself, get a dog because they help you meet people [00:32:30] when you’re in the park. I don’t know, but whatever the case that’s on you, boo, that’s on you to start meeting people. So I know I’m kind of all over the place, but the dichotomy of having high standards versus being realistic. I wouldn’t say there’s a perfect balance, but you just got to look and decide what matters, make your non-negotiables, and also be open to what that might look like once those non-negotiables are met.

Fight The New Drug (32:54):
That’s great. Thank you. As a parent, how do you approach conversations [00:33:00] with your children about digital safety and pornography, especially as they’re approaching and maybe even in dating age? I can’t remember how old you said your daughters are.

Katie (33:11):
No, that’s okay. Yeah, they are 14 and 16, so we are right there. We have not had boyfriends yet, so my plan is to lock them in a dungeon until they’re 25 and pick out their mate. But in case that doesn’t work out, no. So our oldest just got social media this year. I love social media. [00:33:30] I’m on it all the time. I see the good in it. Of course, we see the bad in it as well. And so when we had the conversation, we said all of those things like this is a tool, as we talked about the brick earlier. It can be used for good, it can be used for bad. We have just one social media platform. We talk about what you could find on the search bar by accident, what to say if you do find something like that. We had actually a trial by fire experience.

(33:57):
One of her friends spent the night with her and she doesn’t [00:34:00] have a phone. The friend who spent the night and while my daughter was asleep, got her phone and met someone on Instagram, fell in love all through the night having this conversation, I’m like, what? So of course the mom was concerned and we had a lot of talk, but because my daughter saw all of that happen, it was obviously a door for a conversation and why we don’t fall in love with people. We just meet on Instagram and what this means and how to have these conversations and potentially what could show up in your dms [00:34:30] and how to handle that and where the block button is. And so I think I always say when it comes to talking about anything with your kid, it’s not a talk. As we say the quote talk, I’m going to have it.

(34:40):
It’s a conversation and it’s ongoing. And I don’t shy away when those conversations come up. I get it though. First I had understand how it was awkward, and I could see how parents could be like, oh, I don’t want to talk about sex. I don’t want to talk about porn. But now I get excited if it somehow comes up because then we just, well, yeah, [00:35:00] what did you hear about this and the stat, and can you believe what pornography is doing to kids? And I never close the door. A lot of parents will be like, oh yeah, anyway, moving on. What about the weather? I’m like, oh, good. A rabbit trail that we can talk more about it. So early, open and honest are the ways I think that you should have these conversations. Don’t shy away from ’em and realize that they are humans just like we are. And they might make mistakes. And if that happens, to meet it with grace, to meet [00:35:30] it with education, to meet it with, I’m on your side, not like you’re punished and you’re wrong and you’re doomed for the world. You are loved and you’re welcome in this family and you are learning, and here’s what we need to do next time. So those are the kind of conversations. We know what we have and we hope to continue to have with our girls.

Fight The New Drug (35:47):
Yeah. Is there anything else we haven’t covered yet that you want to share before we wrap up?

Katie (35:54):
I am just such a fan of Bite the New Drug and what you guys are doing. I first heard about you actually, I [00:36:00] alluded to my PhD friend who taught me all the things about science, and he’s like, have you heard to fight the new drug? And I hadn’t at the time, and I’m so thankful that he introduced me because you guys are really doing great things in the world. And yeah, I’m just over here cheering you on and thankful for what you’re doing and so thankful to be a part of this podcast. So thank you for having me.

Fight The New Drug (36:18):
Thank you so much, Katie. We’re really grateful for your time. You have great resources about dating, especially navigating things like pornography in the dating scene today. So we really appreciate making some time for us, and we hope [00:36:30] our listeners will check out your resources.

Katie (36:32):
Thank you.

Promo (36:37):
Celebrate 15 years of Fight the new Drug with us. We want to thank you for your support and for being a part of our community these past 15 years. In celebration of our 15th anniversary, we want to give back to you with an epic giveaway. We’re giving away an epic collection of exclusive FTND conversation, starting gear, documentary leases, a fully paid presentation and [00:37:00] more to commemorate our 15th anniversary. Join the celebration by entering the giveaway at ftnd.org/15years. Want more chances to win? Score additional entries by donating, completing community challenges, and more. Don’t miss out on this exciting opportunity to be a part of the movement against the harms of porn. Act now and join us in making a positive impact. enter at ftnd.org/15years. That’s F-T-N-D.O-R-G/15YEARS.

(37:30):
[00:37:30] Fight The New Drug celebrates 15 years of impact. Join us in reflecting on the incredible journey of the past 15 years. Visit our anniversary landing page at ftnd.org/15years to explore our achievements, access exclusive resources, enter our giveaway, hear inspiring stories from fellow fighters, participate in social media giveaways, and join [00:38:00] our month long challenge series. Thank you for being a part of the movement against the harms of porn. Here’s to 15 more years of making a difference.

Outro (38:12):
Thanks for joining us on this episode of Consider Before Consuming. Consider Before Consuming is brought to you by Fight the New Drug. Fight The New Drug is a non-religious and a non legislative organization that exists to provide individuals the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding pornography [00:38:30] by raising awareness on its harmful effects, using only science, facts and personal accounts. Check out the episode notes for resources mentioned in this episode. If you find this podcast helpful, please consider subscribing and leaving a review. Consider Before Consuming is made possible by listeners like you. If you like to support Consider Before Consuming, you can make a one-time or recurring donation of any amount at ftnd.org/support. [00:39:00] That’s F-T-N-D.O-R-G/support. Thanks again for listening. We invite you to increase your self-awareness, .ook both ways, check your blind spots and consider before consuming.